simple as this.



if you dont want me fuckin walking away while you're talking to me,
how bout you just shut your bludeh mouth?



just.
leave.
me.
alone.


DAMNIT.

I'm off.

AHHHHH THE KL TRIP WAS TOOO AWESOME.
just toooooo awesome.


we were ALL glammed up for the saturday night.
head down WERNER'S club at changkat st which is the holland V of KL - but full of clubs.
met the cutest norwegian ever.
had the best strawberry sour shots ever.
danced like there was no tomorrow.


perfect perfect perfect.


or so i just kept telling myself,
until i made that call.

yes,
i miss you.
yes, at the end of the day,
it all comes back to you.

you matter. too much for me to let go.


you matter. too much.


I'm off.

ahhhh, i really hope we all get to go to KL this weekend!
that'd totally make my week.
my week my week.



im so glad that i have the ability to just stop feeling the butterflies when i know im done.
french boy, goodbye.
i guess it kinda sucks,
cause this means he's already been pushed entirely to the 'friend/acquaintance' category.
but hey,
at least you dont end up hurt.
so its aaaaaaaall good.

phew, relief.




better get down with work right now, and stop procrastinating.


here we go!

I'm off.

today was surreal.

i wake up,
get changed.
im gonna go meet my friends,
we're gonna eat some cake.
we're gonna drink some bubble tea.
we're gonna listen to some good music.
we're gonna laze out.




then,
one call changes everything.



its strange.
its strange, how everything could have been over in a split second.
the thought hit me as i was on my way home.
it must have been worst for N.
whatever it is, you know you got us here though <3


days like these freak me out.
we're walking on a fuckin tightrope.
under which there is a sea of fire.

dayum.

I'm off.

yes,
i want to stop.

yes,
i want to stop.


then, STOP ALREADY DAMNIT.



alright, so V asked me for my number.
i almost walked into a wall after that.
hmm,
i need to shoot myself for looking at things from a very, very,
terrible point of view.
but,
this all simply cause i'm afraid?

oh well.

we just walk. we take a step at a time.




butterflies flutter.
o butterflies burn.


I'm off.

i think ive reached the breaking point, in everything.


little details you think dont matter,
appear larger than life in this fuckedupmind right here.

i sit and think.
i worry about where im going.
i thought we were over and done with that.
i thought i had control over what i was doing.
then again, do i?
its what you make it out to be, i KNOW.
so dont tell me these shit i know.
i know.

i sit and think.
i worry about meeting you again, and never being the same.
im not worried about ever seeing you again.
im worried im never going to be the same again.


i sit and think.
i worry about turning into this fuckedupshitholeofafuckinmess.
i feel caged.
i feel like im not doing enough.
i feel like i SHOULD be doing more.
then why the fuck am i sitting here?
where's the loophole?
where's my breakthrough?
will i even GET through?
then again,
what the fuck do i even know?







just crush me up and throw me aside.
the happier i get on some days,
the worse i feel on Most days.

but its what you make it out to be.
i know. dont fuckin tell me what i know.


I'm off.

early morning classes gets to my head.




the habit needs to stop.



ooo, and ive got a little school girl crush.
yes, a realisation brought upon by nelson.
christ, its been a while since i dared to just play around a little.
i mean, hell i aint saying its going to lead to anything.
it may simply be nothing afterall.
but the point is that,
ive taken the first step to even entertain this thought.


for all i know,
im going to fall 10 steps back.
for all i know,
i may still be stuck here.



but then again,


what do i know?

I'm off.

this week has had its ups. and downs.

once again, i was reminded as to why i love my school and classmates for what and who they are.
open mic night was a blast!
jay, you're such an awesome awesome entertainer. i wanna relive that epic moment!!


i also made some drastic decisions in my head.
but found myself unable to see them through.
simply because im still hung up over you.
so lets just take it a step at a time.


every day i wake up,
i find myself craving to get out of the country even more.
i need to get out of here.
i need a break.
you have no idea how serious i am about this.


expenses, expenses.
kick the cigarettes.
get a dslr.


im not an animal.
im human.
self control exists, or so i would like to think.

now, ill hope.

I'm off.

as someone mentioned,
resolutions are so yesterday.
and they never worked.


but,
there are some personal goals that were made, subconsciously.

to be less bitter.
to see the happier side of things.


i think,
since the day i realised i had to do that,
ive done an... acceptable job.




but yet,
yet.
i feel it all crashing down every day.
at the end of each day,
i close my eyes.
and plead. i plead for peace.
i plead for your hand to guide me.
i plead for you to show me ... that, there is room for faith in this stubborn heart.


all i ask,
is for you to show me that you care.
that you are There.
that you are watching.
that you'll catch me.


cause this hurts.

I'm off.

i swear when i got that call,
i thought i was dreaming.
and then realised, oh fuck.
he Is back from HK. and oh wow,
he IS alive. surprise surprise.

im not sure if they're excuses. and if they are excuses,
im being quite the idiot-girl and believing everything said.
simply because he makes me happy. and that just hasnt been coming by enough.


we went for the tattoo convention.
oh chris garver. -dies-




2010.
so, its getting close to 2 whole years since i felt that way about you. and i still do feel just as strongly about you.
will i change my mind? - if i find a need to.
am i persistent? - subconsciously, i do believe i am.
am i afraid? - ...never, EVER been moreso.


maybe some things ARE worth fighting for.

so ill get hurt. ill get hurt,
and ill brush the dirt off.
and ill get back up.


I'm off.

few people tend to understand anything in this journal.
simply because,
i put it all cross very vaguely - or so they say. or so it seems.

not much good music going on.
thus, im heading back to old tunes - particularly korn.







yea, ill leave you on your own.

I'm off.

run away and hide for as long as i will let myself.






you're gonna have to wake up someday love.
someday.
and you know it.





I'm off.

figured id share the two pictures i absolutely love from my escapades with the DSLR.

this was taken in the old town at ipoh.

the clouds were perfect.
the sky was perfect.
the buildings were old, and perfect.




and for once,
i let go.

i'm off.

finally, im back.
arrived 12am sharp on this island.


and now we're at 2010.
im turning 20. kicking the TEEN out.
soon we'll be adults that appear indifferent to the idea of responsibility.
or perhaps, not.

school's starting soon.
im kinda looking forward to it.
to pull up those grades.
to work my ass off.
to just make sure i do it right this time around.

some personal aims.
be nicer to those i havent exactly been nice to.
try to be more... giving? more... open?
less... guarded?




we'll see.


i'm off.

yesterday, i thought id be happiest.
finally seeing him after forever?


i have not realised that perhaps the problem has been me.


ive acquired the skill of being able to see the worst in any possible situation.
to the point i fail to realise,
i affect those around me.

they're not the problem.

they never were.

and it hurts to think that i have made a decision to be this ... this that i am.


perhaps someday ill see some good in the perceived wretchedness around me.
perhaps someday ill have more faith in others.
perhaps someday ill have more faith in myself.


I'm off.

yesterday dripped of awesomeness.
met john, the sylvia, nelson and sharm at holland V's Breko's.
where we discussed everything and nothing in particular - watched squirrels on soccer pitch on the football channel, which books were suicidal and those that were a bliss to read, awkward moments on screen, etc etc etc.

then we walked down Jln Merah Saga.
AHHHHHH BOUGHT CUPCAAAAKES! will upload some of the pics once the syl has gotten them up.
the cupcakes were gorgeousgorgeousgorgeous!
sugar rush began.
sugar rush ended - and left us in ... sedated state of mind.
just what i needed BECAUSE....

im leaving on tuesday =(
just so sick of the end of year routine.


meeting him in a couple of hours.

"Time to speak, or you'll forever be silent... What i demand of you, is just to speak the truth"

I'm off.

today ive learnt that nothing is forever - slow learner, i guess. my bad.

something better comes along,
people fuckin move along.

you think you matter so much to one?
you're fuckin wrong.

NO ONE gives two fucks about you.
NO ONE cares enough about you.

NO ONE loves you like you love yourself.


allow me to keep this rage,
and feed off it.
cause it makes sense to everything around me.
and keeps me from being blind.

so let me keep this rage.
so let me keep this rage.


I'm off.